I have been living in self-enforced semi-seclusion these past few months, avoiding being out in public as much as possible, except for a few special events, in an effort to steer clear of the germs that are so prevalent this time of year. I go from home to the small office where I work part-time and only run the occasional errand, as quickly as possible, avoiding interaction with the general public. As a season subscriber to the local repertory theater, I have been to a couple of performances, and I did go to one or two holiday events, but if I interact with friends, I prefer to have people come to my home for a visit. If someone’s coming for a bite, I like to make it simple, so we’ll pick up some take out food and bring it in. That way there’s very little fuss, beyond tidying up the place a bit.
So, not being out in public, I haven’t run into too many people I know unexpectedly. When I have, I have found myself unprepared for the awkwardness of having someone I know look at me and try to assess what is going on and what to say. This is, admittedly, in part a result of my own choices. In the end, I have chosen not to wear a wig, which might have helped make it much less obvious that there is anything awry.
My first encounter where I caught someone off guard really took me by surprise. I was at one of the holiday functions I felt compelled to attend this year and someone came up to me and asked me about the fashion statement I was making, wearing a scarf. I was a bit dumbfounded, particularly because the gentleman in question had lost his wife to cancer just a few years ago, so although he didn’t know of my health status, I would have expected him to assess the situation a little better without my having to search for my tongue and blurt out that I was undergoing chemo for breast cancer. The poor man clearly felt awkward, as did I, and he retreated before either of us could gather our wits and make a graceful transition from there.
My next unexpected encounter was just after the holidays when I ran into a woman I used to work with years ago. We were both in a small shop, a rare event for me these days, and I saw her out of the corner of my eye. I hesitated before going over to greet her, not sure what to do or say. Finally, I exhaled and went to say hello. I felt compelled to point out my condition rather than let her wonder, although I didn’t do it as gracefully as I would have liked. I think I told her rather more than she needed or wanted to know, so I made a mental note to just give a quick summary in the future, and wait to see if there are any questions from the other side.
On Monday, before my weekly Herceptin infusion, I went with Lydia to the Garden, where I used to work, to sit in on some presentations before we headed to the hospital. It was something she needed to do, and it was far more convenient for me to join her than for her to come all the way back to the house to pick me up when the Garden is relatively close to the hospital. Donning a headscarf, there is no easy way for me to be totally inconspicuous, although we snuck into the back of the auditorium and took seats way off to the side. As I was leaving to prepare for my treatment (I had to apply lidocaine to the site of my port in advance of arriving at the hospital), I again encountered an old acquaintance who, after a moment of not recognizing me, followed me to the lobby to catch up. His first comment was a plain and simple statement: “You’ve been ill.” What a straightforward, cut-to-the-chase observation! It paved the way for me to give him the quick rundown and then move on to other topics. I was so grateful for his candor, and for making it easy on both of us. I didn’t feel the awkwardness I had felt in the other two encounters. There was no sense of avoiding the elephant in the room, or who blinks first. It was just a simple statement of fact, and it provided an opening to a normal conversation of friends catching up. It was refreshing and taught me a lot about communicating with people who clearly are coping with some issue. From my vantage point, I have come to realize that it’s best to acknowledge it and then allow the person to fill in the blanks as they see fit. Will it be as easy for me to do as it was for my acquaintance? That remains to be seen, but I will certainly try!
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